Sarah Jane Humke

For all of the new members of the Task Force, we’ve made a cheat sheet for surveillance purposes.  This is, for all intents and purposes, a cast of characters seen entering and leaving The Old Chapel.  Some of them have only been seen through windows from the outside.  Many of these photos came from an inside informant.  Others were taken on the daily territory marking rounds that members of the security team make.    This list is for identification purposes only.

(in Alphabetical order)

Belle (AKA Belly)

Seldom seen outside of The Old Chapel, it is thought that this member of the family may be on drugs given how often seen asleep.  Overly fastidious with her grooming, is often seen cleaning herself obsessively.  Transplanted here with the bulk of the family in 2009 is the (twin) sister to Willma.  May have ended-up in the family via a pimp (not confirmed).

Brompton (AKA The Bike)

This hunk of metal is seldom away from The Hubby’s side when he is away from The Old Chapel.  It is very transformers-like, unfolding to become a ride-able bike only to origami back up into a heavy, vaguely box-like mess of gears and spokes.  It can go very fast.  Joined “The Family” in 2010.

Fluffy (AKA Fluffs)

This aloof blond is also a neighbor next door.  Often seen walking with “The Family”, her alliance is unknown.  Has been known to spend nights at The Old Chapel.  Not much is known about her origins except to say that this is not the first home that she has had.  Not known to be dangerous, but will not inform on “The Family” as is deeply suspicious of strangers.

Hubby (AKA Tech Support)

Seldom photographed in the wild, this is the heart of the operation.  This is the best photograph of The Hubby that we have been able to get since a random fluke of chance in 2005 in Amsterdam.  Taking out The Hubby would take out the entire operation, but he is very hard to get to.  Tends to keep to an evil lair in London or The Old Chapel where he is protected by the rest of the gang.  Not particularly dangerous on his own but is well protected by the rest of “The Family”.  Transplanted here from Florida in 2009, but origins prior to this confused and unknown.  Often seen riding The Brompton to the train.

Jiji (AKA The Pain in the Ass, Large and in Charge)

Runs the daily operations at the house.  Extremely dangerous, has been known to stab and cut at associates for no other reason than to make a point.  Her origins are lost to history, but she joined the family in 2004 when The Hubby joined.  Is diabetic and on a special diet because of it, she is extremely ill-tempered. Only seen leaving the house for medical visits.

Kali (AKA Snow Queen, Mud Queen)

Girlfriend of Malcolm, she is a local who lives next door.  Is extremely dangerous, approach with caution.  Has been known to take out multiple kneecaps and to tackle unknown people approaching.  Has also used gas warfare to neutralize threats.  Is frequently spotted completely covered in mud carrying a big stick.  Do not underestimate this bitch, she can mess you up.

Malcolm (AKA Mr Beautiful, Mal)

Malcolm is the social man of the group.  He is frequently seen making contacts with other families for unknown purposes.  His charm and beauty will disarm you from suspecting him of ill-doing, but be warned, he can go from 0 to 60 in a few seconds flat.  He has no patience for sneaks and informants, preferring to keep his group under tight rein.  Though appearing to be in charge, he is actually subordinate to Meara.  His origins are murky having simply showed-up with Sarah Jane one night in 2009.  We suspect Romany roots.  Often likes to woo the women with his impressive…tail.

Meara (AKA Peanut, Potato)

An older member of “The Family” Meara is also one of the most dangerous.  The other members may “talk the talk” but Meara doesn’t need to since she “walks the walk”.  Another of the transplanted group, arrived on our shores in 2009 from Florida.  Definitely the head of the lower minions, she only answers to Sarah Jane.  Do not approach this one.  Run if she comes after you.

Micheal (AKA Tubby)

The American branch of “The Family”, Micheal lives in Iowa.  He has been known to greet men by running up to them and kicking them in the nads.  Not seen at all in The Old Chapel due to passport issues.

Milo (AKA Trouble, Destructo-puss)

Not particularly dangerous to people, Milo has a known knack for destroying equipment.  We have not been able to discern if this is accidental or on purpose.  However, this member of the family is the primary reason all audio and video wiretapping has failed.  Bugs bug her and then she destroys them with gusto.  Transplanted with the bulk of “The Family” in 2009, Milo comes from extremely humble origins.  Her siblings were all eaten by a large snake as infants, her mother then ran away in a blind panic only to be run over by a car.  It was only by blind chance that she ended-up with “The Family” where her illnesses were taken care of and she was nurtured.  She has a strong attachment to Sarah Jane and will not rat-out the family.

Sarah Jane (AKA Me)

Often found in The Old Chapel or harassing the nearby hoods with much of “The Family”.  Quite often carries dangerous pointy sticks with a garroting wire between them.  Has a bizarre obsession with sheep.  Is the brains of the operation.  Approach with caution.  Transplanted here in 2009 from Florida, though was raised on a farm in Iowa.  Has many special skills due-to this unique background.  Do not underestimate.

The Old Chapel (AKA The House, Headquarters)

This became The Family’s headquarters in 2009.  A former Wesleyan Chapel, it was abandoned for many years before being renovated in 2000.  With views of fields of sheep and horses, this is the perfect place for The Family to carry out its work.

Weezy (AKA Weasel, Wiener)

Don’t let the subject’s small size fool you, this is among the most dangerous members of “The Family”.  What she lacks in stature, she makes up for in ferocity.  This bitch has been spotted going after horses screaming threats at the top of her lungs.  Is considered Sarah Jane’s bodyguard and can almost always be found (literally) in her shadow.  Small size means that escape is a prime problem with this member.  Transplanted here in 2009 from Florida, this little dog is a survivor having lived through hurricane Katrina in Mississippi, her birthplace.

Willma (AKA Miss Independent)

Willma is not often seen outside, except from the window behind her in this rare photo.  We aren’t sure if she is a captive or is willingly being kept in The Old Chapel.  Is the (twin) sister of Belle.  Transplanted in 2009, she was a Florida street kitten brought into “The Family” by Sarah Jane.